Sometimes I fake it.

Sometimes I think I might be a little bit crazy. Im not sure what is going on with me right now and that is perhaps the worst part of it all. I managed to turn in my paper today and hopefully Ill get a good grade on it. I have a test tomorrow in my math class and I should be studying right now but I cant force myself to get into the learning stage. Im upset about a lot of things right now, Jess decided that it would be a great idea to tell John about how she and I were cheating on her boyfriend earlier this year. I will always regret what I did, I have no excuse and dont try to make one. I just want to try and move on. I have someone now who I can come to love as deeply as I always wanted to love Jess. She trusts me and believes in me, It's really nice to be able to say that I have honest support from someone who really cares. I want to be worthy of her affection and eventually her love. Whenever Jess tells another person about what happened this year she brings all of those old emotions back to the surface and I have to deal with them all over again. I think she blames me for what happened, even though I tried so hard to deny her. The only thing I can say is that I was still attached to her and hadnt given her up just yet. IM disgusted with myself for what I did several times and I dont know why I dont rot as I sit here. I think she blames me because its easier to put it off as I pushed her than it is to acknowledge the fact that she chose to cheat on her boyfriend and not just with me, but others. I think she blames me for corrupting her in some way. I didnt want to do any of it. I just wanted to forget her touch and try to live again. Now im getting my failings thrown back in my face by someone who has no right to judge or get involved. I feel bad for Jerry and Rae, They are the only ones in this situation who have done nothing wrong but have to deal with the outcomes of our actions. If He ever reads this I hope he knows how terribly sorry I really am. This will haunt me for the rest of my life, Im sure of it. Im feeling really down today, it's Valentines day and my "girlfriend" is at her house in ER with Korey and Amy. She told me she was going to be spending the day with her Mom and Dad and thats why she wouldnt be able to see me. Korey and Amy were supposed to be doing their own thing and now Im the one who is alone and there really isnt anything I can do about it. I get the feeling like she is trying to put a little distance between us. I dont know if its because she is scared or even if she sees it happening. I dont know what I want except I dont want to be alone tonight. I wish I could do something about all of this, maybe then Id finally get some work done.

While walking that long road.....

So its been over two months and an update is in order. I got fired from the Boy's and Girl's club right before my 90 days. BAd politics basically was the reason. Im now working as a student caller for UAA and thats going pretty well so far. I have moved beyond Mel to say the least. My date with amy ended with her dating Korey and Rae and I kinda getting together she is still dating Ethan however so for now I am not allowed to call her or see her for a while until she deals with this. Her rule not mine. Its difficult because I really care for her but am completely helpless to do anything for her right now. The entire four years I have known her I have never not had the option of contacting her if I wanted to talk to or see her. All I want is to see her happy and to take away her pain, she hates it that Im going to treat her like she is made of glass but its just how i deal with women, I hold more respect for the women of the world than I do any man. It's just the way I was raised that and I like to consider my self a sounthern Gentle man without the accent. Any how Im gonna work out and take my mind off of things. Rae, Im falling for you.