Ah, the sound of teen misery and love.

So, ill admit it I fail as a blog keeper. its been much too long since my last entry and I'm not sure if you can even consider that a valid entry. Here's how things are going so far, I think the awkward situation with Jess is finally done; so i can rest easy about that, schools rough and I'm worried about my grades, I hope everything comes out OK even if I have to take out loans next year and semester. I've been slacking hardcore when it comes to my physique. Ive tried to get out and hit on more women it is however difficult for me to find one that is either A) interested in me at all B) not already taken and C) not a complete freak or weirdo and as bad as it may seem I am a little shallow, Id like my next girlfriend to be someone who I am attracted to. which brings me to Mel. As a little background I think I should let any body who may come across this blog know that Mel is someone i met in seventh grade when i started going to the Boys and Girls club, which i now work at. I liked her from day one, not just as a good friend but as someone i was deeply attracted to. I'm pretty sure she felt the same way at one point. Which brings me to Sophomore year in high school. Mel and I were closer than ever and on the verge of dating, she knew how I felt and was single at the time, she kind of hinted at her liking me but never said it out loud; while this was going on there was Lauren who also had wanted me for a long time, mostly cause I wouldn't let her have me. I was just another guy to her nothing important or real. I was willing to give her a chance however if she bring herself to step outside of her "position" and say out loud and up front how she felt about me. I also made this deal with Aimee back when I was attracted to her. And while this whole love triangle was going on Jess actually was keeping her eye on me and come Harvest moon she was the only one capable of saying that she had feelings for me. So I chose her. I think there may have been a bit of manipulation in the beginning when I chose her. I believe I was trying to make Mel jealous. Needless to say it didn't work. She dated Logan instead and Lauren came up to me and asked why I didn't pick her. I told her why and we were never really good friends after that. she went to eagle river and I stayed at Chugiak. But i digress, after a while I grew attached to Jess and developed the beginnings of love toward her. This continued on through her dumping me and my Junior year even while i dated Adrianna. After Junior year I met up with Jess after she and Paden broke up and I took it to be a second chance at a failed relationship. Everything went good at first and then lies and pretend feelings destroyed our would be relationship. While this is going on Mel is living in Houston and has hooked up with Kris. After My break up I try to patch things up with people I neglected for a year to mixed results. I'm still working on some of them now. Mel is one of them I'm starting to feel those same feelings for her that I did when we were really close, and when i see her she is either really glad to seem me as a friend or has never really let go of how close we once were. I don't want to steal her from somewhere where she is happy but if I get the chance, I don't think i can keep myself from pursuing her. I'm just not sure if that is a good thing or not. Whew, finally done.

Im torn

Plain as it can be I am torn. I am unsure what I should do so I am making the Age old mistake of doing and saying nothing.Anything I might say will only cause pain and that was never my goal. I just get so hopeful someimes even when its not real, just to watch it blow up in my face, again.

Am I a total Copout?

"I am a mirror, I show a reflection. Reflections are just that, not
what i want but what is a lot of the time. I don't like showing
hurtful things or not being able to help. Thats why i try to show good
as well as bad. I am not the best when it comes to tact, I am sorry
for my fault but not even a mirror is perfect. I try not to make
excuses for myself, i feel im doing it now. I hope you will still
consider me to be a friend when you wake up tomorrow, but i know that
somethings said can not be forgotten or unsaid. Those are written
across the history that is my life. I will always tell the truth to
you and if i come across harsh I may not mean it. Sometimes though you
dont need to be buttered up you need tough love. People open up to me
because they see themselves in me, their insecurities and their
faults, not the greatest reason but there it is.And i inturn realize
this and so dont judge when they do open up.All of us make mistakes.
To be honest, I think you need time from me and need to get out there
and make friends with some people( females). I know its hard for you
but there is my opinion. So assuming that you read this and didnt just
delete it like you might, I am sorry for hurting your feelings. try
not to hate me, please." I emailed this to Jess after being a huge ass, I feel like im cheating but it's true. I mean everything i said, It would be easier if I didnt care, bt I can't just abandon her, not when she needs me to be there for her. please someone respond to me.

That line in the sand.

I like to think that im a pretty understanding guy.I try not to judgepeople and I dont fly off the handle when people upset me. every now and thentough some one pushes me too far. I was able to deal with the ambiguous relationship and the constant Cody Bashing at every turn but when my mother gets involved I startto get a little heated. My mother is a wonderful person who has done me nothing but good since day one. She asks very little of me ad expects no reward, she is a far better person than i am and in many ways stronger than me. I may have issues with her now nd then but thats to be expected, that does not however give anybody the right to criticize my mother in front of me or behind my back. Any one who feels they are right in doing so needs to take a long hard look at themselves and really think about what kind of flaws they have and what mistakes they have made. Not to mention that all things mentioned were told in CONFIDENCE that i felt I could trust. Idont go around talking about other poeple's issues or GIGANTIC flaws.I expect the same respect and courtesy from other people. Only madmen dont trust but trust is a two edged sword, and one more sharp than a razor. If said individual had been a male they would have been broken and bleeding and only their gender saved them from that fate. My mother is OFF LIMITS. Understood?

I say to you, Ride The Lightning

I am officially giving notice to all of those who actually follow this blog that soon you will not be able to anymore. I am blocking this blog for my own private uses and dont feel like my thoughts and feelings are safe any longer. thiss will take efffect immediately. If I give the ok some may still access this page but most will not.

Every journey begins with the first step.

God bless all humanity. And if thats not realistic then I pray he has mercy on all at the least. Life for me is good again, for those of you at home not in with my every waking moment then i believe that I will start from where I feel is closest to where I left off.I went home for the week of the Fourth and hung out with friends, but a little more description i feel is necessary. I went home on the train and my mom picked me up at the wasilla depot. I spent the day and night with my family, which was nice. I then hung out with my brother until Jess picked me up after work. I was a little nervous about this but it seemed to be ok between us and I had missed her a lot. Everything seemed to be ok with us even as we went shopping for Rae and when we picked up Jerry. When we got to Rae's house though she seemed to get kind of hostile and Defensive. Apparently Jerry took her aside and talked to her though so she loosened up a little and things ended up being really fun with everyone, like at the fireworks. The next day I went to see Transformers with Korey Rae and her cousin Trace. Awesome movie one of the best ive ever seen. then we went back to RAes house and watched a movie with her because I think she has been feeling really lonely and left out. Then I went back home and spent the rest of the day with my folks. All in all not too shabby. Now to the cool part, the morning before i came home I asked out a girl named Mckail who is a cute blonde from Logan Utah and yes shes mormon. She said yes without any hesitation and so when I got back I went out on a date with her, I had it planned for this past tuesday and so when the day came I took a nap after work and on my way out to shower I kinda fell off the railing and busted myself up pretty bad, I may have damaged my shoulder and back, they still hurt when I breath deeply. But then I took a shower and Met up with her and thenI took her out to dinner. She had never eaten Corn fritters before so she got an oder of those, she had the same reaction i did, good but greasy. We then walked around the park property and then stopped by room so I could get her a sweatshirt to wear. We went down to the dog kennels and walked a sled dog for about an hour then played with the other dogs till about 930. SHe had to make the 11 shuttle back to Healy so we left and got there just before it left. I look forward to asking her out again real soon. Her parents however are coming up this next thursday so we'll see what happens.

Come what may.

I called Jess the other day and the first thing that i noticed was that she seemed panicked and out of sorts. Se asked if i had called earlier and was in a rush to get her words out. It turns out that she was in a relatively minor accident thank God and her car was pretty trashed. She was alright though and was just in the need of some down time to calm down.When i was talking to her i realized that my first insinct was to treat her as if i was still dating her. This was obviously the wrong thing to do, idont know if she noticed but, i did and that was enough. I asked her if she had acalled Jerry yet and she said he was on his way and something hit me; she doesnt need me anymore. i have served my role i her life in the way i was needed, now i have the option of stepping aside completely and going forward, or i can remain by her side if only in a different role. I know we are through, i accept that for the most of me and even though i wish it had been different in the end i realize on many levels that what had seemed perfect at times was just because i was blinded to our many insecurities. i believe that she saw many of those throughout our relationship, and dealt with them in the best wa she knew how. I choose now and every day hereafter to remain her friend, what i felt for her was love i know it to be fact, and i cannot fault her for her feelings, but i can be with her as a friend and as a companion when i am needed. in terms of love i hope she can find somebody who is my superior in all things and someone who will not merely bow to her. she is a strong woman who needs a strong man to be her equal. she does not need someone to babysit like she did with me, she needs someone who can take care of themselves and lend a hand to her when she is in over her head. i hope she finds all of that and more in whom ever she decides to bestow that great honor. She is the second strongest i know.

" One" By either band

Have any of you ever considered the power that is contained within the word one. there are meanings behind it tht we inherently understand even if it is subconcious. It can be a beginning or and ending and even in another language there is something more powerful about our word than theirs. When thinking about the word does a person feel anything different than when saying it? I have experienced this and am now watching for any more signs of symbolism. This word has become more than just a measeure of counting, more than the beginning of anything. Why else would people write songs and for the only title use the WORD not the number, one? The word is simplistic and yet profound, nothing can take the meaning from it because we base so much off of it. When we use our currency we even have that based off of one. Sure, the number standard is ten but we keep coming back to One. One dollar, one hundred, one thousand and so on. Why does this word hold so very much power for us and can we truly understand its every nuance without seeking it conciously?

"Creeping Death"

At first all that exists is a blank state of confusion and shock, once that fades comes a tremendous amount of anger and pain, the anger is fleeting but the pain lingers long afterward, like a phantom pain in a lost limb. Every so often one succombes to dark fits of rage and depression, the only light is lost inside what is unattainable. Constant reminders of all past failings and old situations haunt every waking moment and destroy all good dreams. Memories take on a n evil feel and become hard to hold on to and what remains is nothing like the original. One has nothing but pale hopes and thoughts. Constant dissapointment rules all sense of one's existance, and doubt plagues one awake or asleep. Out side of the immediate is the sense of urgency and impetus that continues to drive one forward. One doesnt understand the force or the reason, and cant comprehend the ending but feels like there is some sort of plot that is unfolding and one becomes torn between the past and wanting to move forward. unable to open the sarcophogas yet seeking its security and safety. Such is one's pain.

Sincerely Frustrated

Im a little upset with myself right now, I cant seem to get past the hurt that I feel a good portion of the time. Im trying day after day it just never seems to lessen or go away. I know that its not fair to them or to me but my heart does not seem to care too much about fair and such. I want to be friends but a large part of me just wants this whole thing to be nothing more than a bad dream, and for me to wake up and be where I felt I belonged. I dont feel entirely comfortable expressing myself on this post which is a little wrong or in anyone up here but I need to find a way of doing so in a reliable manner. I need some one I can trust. We all know how hard that is for me. So for now Im going to call it a night as I have work in a few hours. "Sleep well and wake."

All that and a bag of nuts.

SO lets get into this huh. Things for the most part couldnt be going any better except form me getting another roommate. Weather is great, hours at work are crazy, lots of attractive girls. All in all not too shabby if I do say so myself, but since I havent said it here yet Ill say it now. My roommate is Bisexual for all of you who dont know. Im cool with it though I told him that I better not walk in on anything. God I wasnt kidding about the girls though there are a ton of girls here, and aside from them being foreign Im cool with that. They all seem to be at least a year older than me though. We'll see though I can feel it all coming back to me now all that I didnt make use of is coming back It just was lying dormant untill I needed it. Food kinda sucks here so im going to Subway a lot more than Id like but not too much. Im pretty much the hero of the rec room because of my wii. Everyone loves boxing. Were looking into a tv for our room so we can have people in there, Wink. Well for now I leave with the light. May the force be with you.

Things are going well up here for the most part, I'm still dealing with Jess issues but she knows about that hopefully. I think Im going to be dealing with them for a while as yet. It's raining today, and its more than a little depressing. I work from 930 to 6 today. And Im visiting everybody this week cause I got a few days off. I still need to email Racquel and ask her what day shes availible. I really like her and Its a shame that she has to leave before we could establish a stronger friendship. Who knows though time changes all. So for now I plan on riding on the winds of time. For as the windmill is turned by the wind so does the great serpent turn the wheel. As I have nothing further to post I will leave if it pleases the light.

Clear skies with a chance of showers

DEnali is beautiful there is no denying it. The weather for the most part has been awesome, sun shine and warm temps. only a couple of rainshowers so far. Work is really boring and slow and there is not much that I have to do outside of work. After being with someone it's hard for me to get back to where I was in terms of flirting ability, I used to be good, real good. I can still read women for the most part but things aren't as clear as they were before, I can't tell what they want or need to hear. It sounds maniplative andit is but its on both sides, its more like a game than anything else and Im trying to predict the next move. I wonder what everyone is doing down there, I'm trying to get time off to come visit but I dont know when thats going to happen, I need to be in town before the 8th though because I have to take Racquel to the movies before she goes. I miss everyone down there and Im a little worried about Rae because she hasnt checked her email or if she has she hasnt emailed me back yet, she was going througha rough time when i left. I hope she is ok. anyhow I should get to work and pretend Im doing something, post more later.

Welcome Home "Sanitarium"

I think I'm feeling a little better about how things are right now I just need to focus on work and not stress so much about what I can't change. Mostly this post is for Jerry; If you read this I want you to know that I have nothing against you, really I don't. I appreciate you taking the time to read this and In fact I didn't know you knew about it until you replied the first time. I'm going to say straight out what I feel so that you know where I stand. I loved Jess, I did, I know that and I was willing to do anything for her at any cost to myself, I hope she knew that, I felt she was the one but shit happens and you have to roll with the punches. I have a couple of problems with her right now, first is the fact that everytime we were together it seems like I was telling her that Ididn't want her to feel pressured and she always told me she wasn't, That was a lie. Second I hurt because she gave me the biggest ass chewing and said she wanted to be friends and now through it all she deletes me off her stuff and refuses to acknowledge my existence. I don't care if she doesnt read this I just dont like the whole avoidance thing. Third I can't stand the way she started dating you again( assuming of course you are) she could have at least told me or talked to me about it. And to add to that if she couldn't do the last why not just wait the one evening I had left to enjoy before I left before hooking up. That really pisses me off still. And through it all Im torn because I feel alright when I dont think about her but when I do think about her it hurts and yet it's all i can do to force myslef to stop because it feels so good. She was a year of my life Jerry, all I did this past year and before then was for her. Where do I go from there, and stil maintain something, I can't just let her go completely? I can understand your side of things; you must have strong feelings for her maybe even love or you could just be giving it a second chance who knows for sure, but you probably dont appreciate listening to some guy talking about your girlfriend like this( assuming afore mentioned) I know it would bother me a lot. Just so you know she may want to use my " Jealousy" as a reason or excuse but I tried to explain that it wasnt jealousy in its traditional sense. I just loved her so much that if I wasnt near her I wanted to be and if somebody else was I was jealous of them for being near her. Not as property or something, never that. I always considered it the biggest blessing to be near her and that it was her right at any time to say I wasn't welcome in that way, like when I was clingy in public. Im very sexist towards men, I feel that any real man would feel the same way towards the woman they love, its almost like worship to me. anyhow I felt you had the right to know how and what I feel, please take care of her I'd hate to have to destroy you on her behalf, I know that I would do it too.

P.S. The song is by Metallica

" Hokage's Funeral"- Toshiro Umezawa

IF you ever hear this song you'll understand how I feel right now. Lighthearted yet sad and lonely, theres nobody up here I know and although I told Jess I was going to come up and forget her, all of my memories from this past year are with her. Does that mean that I can't move on? or if I can how long will it take? I feel like I lost a year of my life and I don't know if it was worth it or not, I don't know how much of what we had was real, the lies we told have clouded everything, not to mention all the mixed signals I got from her at the end. I hope she doesn't read this I need to be stronger than this but unfortunately this is my only outsource. I need some companionship, I know how she solved that problem and I feel bad for Jerry because hes caught in the middle with a girl he never really gave up on, sound familiar? He's not going to last long not nearly as long as I did, at the end of the summer they're going to break up again because Jess can't commit, not yet anyway. I just hope I'm over her by then because I don't want to get caught by her again. My guess is that she'll go for Truit next though, sorry Truit I know how you feel. I work tonight from 3-1130 PM I hope to meet a nice girl up here not even for a relationship just a friend would be nice. Next time- "sadness and Sorrow"

"I'm Movin' On"- Rascal Flatts

Time to begin anew, I make this post from Denali. I'm no longer angry, disgusted and dissapointed yes, but not angry. I've talked to Racquel and we decided that a long term relationship this early in the game wouldn't be a good thing. Hopefully she'll let me take her out though cause I genuinely do like her. I don't lay blame for anything thats happened because that would be making it something it wasn't. She couldn't commit I pressured and we both ended up lying. All in All not too good. but thats done now. nobody here is either my age or speaks my language. I don't even know if Im going to have a room mate, I got stuck in an empty room. There are some atractive woemen here though, I think they are all a couple years on me however, that and they speak variations of Russian. Anyhow im going to my room now so for all of you at home, Grow up and get over it.I'll do the same.

That creeping feeling.

I can't believe it and yet I knew it would happen. Jess again has betrayed me. Jerry again why can't I ever get away from him. I've been told over and over by Jess that Jerry is nothing to worry about, he's not the reason, there are no feelings between them. What a load of shit as was apparent this evening/day when All of a sudden Jess is on Paden Like shes dating him and lo and behold, when asked about it she replies not yet. What the fuck is that? Why do I get to be the recipient of this bullshit? Have I done something? Not yet my ass. You have the balls to flaunt it Jess why not just say it and be done you bitch? I didnt do anything with Racquel because I was considering how you felt. how about a little decency? You couldnt even wait one day, you just saw him what the HELL?And to top it off I dont even know why I care. Right now I want you out and never want to see you again. Just fall into a pit and die Jess.

Why don't they give us the answers.

Ever wonder why we struggle with things in our daily life? I know I have, I struggle with things like how much is enough or too much and wether or not we have a responsibility to help others when a good portion of the time we make things worse? In my case I don't know if I should offer help or wait for the recipient to ask, also I don't know if I really have anything to offer them in terms of help. I can't comfort in ways I used to and I'm not sure how else to be there yet, I'm still getting use to this whole thing. I wish people would tell me how I could help or comfort or something useful. Even if it's just listening. I'll be gone for a while and I want to make the best of what time I have left. If anyone is listening please let me know.

Sincerly, Concerned

Why some of us shouldn't Breed- again

I'm an ass hole. I wrong too many people then I seek forgiveness too quickly. I don't deserve forgiveness, I don't deserve the love of another right now. I have done nothing but take and lie and hurt. I don't know how many times a person can say I'm sorry before it doesn't count but I think I'm there. I'll say it again cause I know that he still cares even though I don't deserve it. Jessica, I'm sorry. I hope that in time you can forgive all of my betrayals. I want you to know that today really helped me in terms of moving on. I talked to a lot of people, inclding Racquel. And I wasn't trying to shadow you or anything I just want to make things okay with us. I still want to kiss you goodbye, but I undersand if you don't even talk to me tomorrow. I really a sorry Jess.

Died and lived to tell about it.

Well folks the unthinkable has happened, Jess dumped me. For a few reasons I think, First I loved her and I was ready to love only her. She wasnt ready for me. Second I think my leaving and my unavailability pushed her away. Third and I know this is harsh to say but I think she likes another guy. Fourth this is all part of her ritual push a guy whos close to me away. I cant stand the fact that I lost her again. I havent eaten since yesterday at lunch at UAA. I dont even feel hungry. I feel like she took a 12 gauge to my chest and stomach. I know its hard for her but im going to take this time and be alittle self centered, after all I did get dumped. everybody Ive heard from has said the same thing, we were perfect. nothing was wrong, and that is what i dont get. Sure we had issues between us all people do, but overall there wasnt much. The only thing I can think of and keep coming back to is our inability to have sex. I gave her all of me and didnt get all of her in return. I didnt care I was willing to wait and work it out but she felt she needed more men. Or actually she wanted to be "single" what the hell is that? From my perspective I had it all, I wanted for nothing why would I want less than that. Now I have nothing, not even her friendship because I cant bring myself to tell her that all I want is for this whole thing not to have happened. I just want her to hold me again and tell me we're okay. I know thats not going to happen and I wish it wasnt like this but I cant force her feelings. I personaly think that she is going to be going out with Erik by the end of the week, or if she is human when I leave. A lot of people think that its because Jerry is coming back but I dont know. Right now I cant thin about it I have to go.

All about me

Advanced Global Personality Test Results Extraversion 50% Stability 53% Orderliness 50% Accommodation 30% Interdependence 10% Intellectual 90% Mystical 63% Artistic 10% Religious 83% Hedonism 10% Materialism 43% Narcissism 56% Adventurousness 36% Work ethic 43% Self absorbed 50% Conflict seeking 83% Need to dominate 83% Romantic 90% Avoidant 50% Anti-authority 70% Wealth 36% Dependency 36% Change averse 90% Cautiousness 63% Individuality 23% Sexuality 83% Peter pan complex 16% Physical security 90% Physical Fitness 77% Histrionic 43% Paranoia 76% Vanity 90% Hypersensitivity 36% Female cliche 30%

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Why some of us shouldn't breed.

If there is one thing that I don't want to pass on to my child, it's my compulsive mouth. Either litterally or in my writing, I think I really wounded Jess yesterday, I din't mean to. I needed some kind of outlet outside my prison called home. What I wrote kind rocked her foundation I think adn I wish I could take it all back.I have myself to blame for this whole Truit thing. If I hadnt been grounded that night would have never happened. Jess I know you'll say that this is not my fault but it is on some level. I want to claim that part and take it from you. You have enough to worry about you dont need this too. I love you, please dont hold what I said against me, I really don't want you hurt especially by me. When you read this I hope you'll feel better. I love you.

To those who knew me.

IVe had one hell of a week. My grades arent good so im grounded, my girlfriend is pissed at me, I just gave away my cat, my room is a hollow shell of what it once was and, and to top it off my girlfriend tols me yesterday that she was flirting with Truit again.Only this time she told him she had a crush on him.It's times like these when I wish I could just not care. My girlfriend loves me , I know that. I adore her though, I dont look at other girls and when I fantasize it's about her and no other. I love her so much that I cant be angry at how shes feeling but I die that shes feeling this way and I feel betrayed by her apparent lack of faith.part of me feels like shes not ready for me yet but I cant let her go. If im just being selfish I would like to know. Im not upset anymore, I wrote her kind of an angry letter last night and im not quite sure Im going to giv it to her yet. I dont want to hurt her and my being upset and dissapointed hurts her and I know that.We only seem to have troubles when other people get involved. Maybe she just hasnt given herself to me completely yet. If thats the case I can be patien, if she doesnt love enough yet I can wait for that too. I feel like we can work out anything given time but our times running out. I leave in little overtwo months. I move to palmer in two weeks. It might not be so hard if she was little more open with me.God I love her. Jessica i love you.

Have your Cake and eat it too

I figured I might as well post when things arent in the toilet. Im grounded right now but that isnot ground breaking information. Imworking on it and doing faily well in my work. I dont know how much its working but all I can do is try.Classes are going well, ROTC is going Well, and I got offered a tutoring job which I hope I can take. Jess and I are doing really well aside from my being grounded, but Im working on it. IVe been working out after school because I need to pass the Lifetime test out or else. I cant afford to fail really, I cant. Im pretty confident though. Ive come to a calm sort of middle ground with my family school and moving to Palmer. Not perfect but better and I didnt have to leave. Im proud of how well Im pulling things around for me, and I put cool stuff on my Blog haha, eat that ASD, you tried to stop me with your blocks but I win. I love you Jess and Im going to try and be more afffectionate tomorrow.

WHy are the simplest things always the most drawn out?

Ive come to the realization that one: I need out, two: I need to do it soon, and Three: this is one battle that I cant afford to lose and I need to be at the topmof my game in order to get everything I need. yes, need. I dont want to get out of my house but that is what is best for me and my family as far as Im concerned. My parents have very little control over me in most terms. I feel they control me too much, and my parents lay blame to "Senioritis". Part of that may be true all I know for sure is that Im not hapy with the way things are right now. I need a break from my family. It feels like its four against one when it comes to "what Cody did Wrong now."It feels like I dont have an ally in anything do. at least as far as my home goes. I know I have an ally in Jess and she will always be there for me come what may. I love her for that and much more. I could easily see myself spending all eternity with her. The only problems that we seem to have are when other people get involved in our lives. She gets upset when we cant do things tgether because my parents have decided to pose another new restriction on me.I get upset and slightly jealous of the other men in her life who got to know her almost as well as I have. part of me cant stand that they knew her first. Other people just seem to complicate us.I wish these simple things would be solved as easily as they should be. NO, they require much more thought and fighting than is really neccessary. I just wish sometimes that I didnt have to care and that the world would go on without me having to notice or participate. Then I remember the reason that I go on. Jess. Jess and any children that may come from my pairing with her, because I have no doubt in my mind that we will end up together. They need me and depend on me, therefore I need to take care of myself to see that those things happen.

"Friggin Palmer"

Yess Jess I stole your title but it sums it up better than anything I could come up with. Im moving to palmer. March 31. before prom and Large group. it sucks for a lot of reasons. mostly because I can't see Jess as often as I like. Itll turn out okay though maybe I should quit worrying and pray. It usually works I just suck at praying. I dont have a lot of faith. I love you Jess and Ill see you on the morrow.

Too little too late

So its been a while Im a loser for not having any time but things have been going pretty good lately. Now Im stressed again and Im worried that Im not going to be able to meet the expectations of those around me. I guess I just need some way of managing my time better, but I lack the dicipline. It's the week before Miliary ball michael has decided hes going to pretend to care this week and has asked for grades. God I hate that. I wish he would just get out of my buisness. It wouldnt be so bad If I had been on top of my grades and homework. I wasnt though I have failed again and now Jess is going o pay the price and it kills me that I do this to her all the time. I have a 27% in my Philosophy class. There I said it maybe now I can fix it. I have only done three out of seven assignments. Five out of nine tomorrow, and there is no way my grade is going to be up by then. I dont know how Im going to fight this battle. I think If I talk to my mom It might work out better. If by chance you do read this Jess I want you to know I lve you and Im sorry I let you down.