Things are going well up here for the most part, I'm still dealing with Jess issues but she knows about that hopefully. I think Im going to be dealing with them for a while as yet. It's raining today, and its more than a little depressing. I work from 930 to 6 today. And Im visiting everybody this week cause I got a few days off. I still need to email Racquel and ask her what day shes availible. I really like her and Its a shame that she has to leave before we could establish a stronger friendship. Who knows though time changes all. So for now I plan on riding on the winds of time. For as the windmill is turned by the wind so does the great serpent turn the wheel. As I have nothing further to post I will leave if it pleases the light.

Clear skies with a chance of showers

DEnali is beautiful there is no denying it. The weather for the most part has been awesome, sun shine and warm temps. only a couple of rainshowers so far. Work is really boring and slow and there is not much that I have to do outside of work. After being with someone it's hard for me to get back to where I was in terms of flirting ability, I used to be good, real good. I can still read women for the most part but things aren't as clear as they were before, I can't tell what they want or need to hear. It sounds maniplative andit is but its on both sides, its more like a game than anything else and Im trying to predict the next move. I wonder what everyone is doing down there, I'm trying to get time off to come visit but I dont know when thats going to happen, I need to be in town before the 8th though because I have to take Racquel to the movies before she goes. I miss everyone down there and Im a little worried about Rae because she hasnt checked her email or if she has she hasnt emailed me back yet, she was going througha rough time when i left. I hope she is ok. anyhow I should get to work and pretend Im doing something, post more later.

Welcome Home "Sanitarium"

I think I'm feeling a little better about how things are right now I just need to focus on work and not stress so much about what I can't change. Mostly this post is for Jerry; If you read this I want you to know that I have nothing against you, really I don't. I appreciate you taking the time to read this and In fact I didn't know you knew about it until you replied the first time. I'm going to say straight out what I feel so that you know where I stand. I loved Jess, I did, I know that and I was willing to do anything for her at any cost to myself, I hope she knew that, I felt she was the one but shit happens and you have to roll with the punches. I have a couple of problems with her right now, first is the fact that everytime we were together it seems like I was telling her that Ididn't want her to feel pressured and she always told me she wasn't, That was a lie. Second I hurt because she gave me the biggest ass chewing and said she wanted to be friends and now through it all she deletes me off her stuff and refuses to acknowledge my existence. I don't care if she doesnt read this I just dont like the whole avoidance thing. Third I can't stand the way she started dating you again( assuming of course you are) she could have at least told me or talked to me about it. And to add to that if she couldn't do the last why not just wait the one evening I had left to enjoy before I left before hooking up. That really pisses me off still. And through it all Im torn because I feel alright when I dont think about her but when I do think about her it hurts and yet it's all i can do to force myslef to stop because it feels so good. She was a year of my life Jerry, all I did this past year and before then was for her. Where do I go from there, and stil maintain something, I can't just let her go completely? I can understand your side of things; you must have strong feelings for her maybe even love or you could just be giving it a second chance who knows for sure, but you probably dont appreciate listening to some guy talking about your girlfriend like this( assuming afore mentioned) I know it would bother me a lot. Just so you know she may want to use my " Jealousy" as a reason or excuse but I tried to explain that it wasnt jealousy in its traditional sense. I just loved her so much that if I wasnt near her I wanted to be and if somebody else was I was jealous of them for being near her. Not as property or something, never that. I always considered it the biggest blessing to be near her and that it was her right at any time to say I wasn't welcome in that way, like when I was clingy in public. Im very sexist towards men, I feel that any real man would feel the same way towards the woman they love, its almost like worship to me. anyhow I felt you had the right to know how and what I feel, please take care of her I'd hate to have to destroy you on her behalf, I know that I would do it too.

P.S. The song is by Metallica

" Hokage's Funeral"- Toshiro Umezawa

IF you ever hear this song you'll understand how I feel right now. Lighthearted yet sad and lonely, theres nobody up here I know and although I told Jess I was going to come up and forget her, all of my memories from this past year are with her. Does that mean that I can't move on? or if I can how long will it take? I feel like I lost a year of my life and I don't know if it was worth it or not, I don't know how much of what we had was real, the lies we told have clouded everything, not to mention all the mixed signals I got from her at the end. I hope she doesn't read this I need to be stronger than this but unfortunately this is my only outsource. I need some companionship, I know how she solved that problem and I feel bad for Jerry because hes caught in the middle with a girl he never really gave up on, sound familiar? He's not going to last long not nearly as long as I did, at the end of the summer they're going to break up again because Jess can't commit, not yet anyway. I just hope I'm over her by then because I don't want to get caught by her again. My guess is that she'll go for Truit next though, sorry Truit I know how you feel. I work tonight from 3-1130 PM I hope to meet a nice girl up here not even for a relationship just a friend would be nice. Next time- "sadness and Sorrow"

"I'm Movin' On"- Rascal Flatts

Time to begin anew, I make this post from Denali. I'm no longer angry, disgusted and dissapointed yes, but not angry. I've talked to Racquel and we decided that a long term relationship this early in the game wouldn't be a good thing. Hopefully she'll let me take her out though cause I genuinely do like her. I don't lay blame for anything thats happened because that would be making it something it wasn't. She couldn't commit I pressured and we both ended up lying. All in All not too good. but thats done now. nobody here is either my age or speaks my language. I don't even know if Im going to have a room mate, I got stuck in an empty room. There are some atractive woemen here though, I think they are all a couple years on me however, that and they speak variations of Russian. Anyhow im going to my room now so for all of you at home, Grow up and get over it.I'll do the same.

That creeping feeling.

I can't believe it and yet I knew it would happen. Jess again has betrayed me. Jerry again why can't I ever get away from him. I've been told over and over by Jess that Jerry is nothing to worry about, he's not the reason, there are no feelings between them. What a load of shit as was apparent this evening/day when All of a sudden Jess is on Paden Like shes dating him and lo and behold, when asked about it she replies not yet. What the fuck is that? Why do I get to be the recipient of this bullshit? Have I done something? Not yet my ass. You have the balls to flaunt it Jess why not just say it and be done you bitch? I didnt do anything with Racquel because I was considering how you felt. how about a little decency? You couldnt even wait one day, you just saw him what the HELL?And to top it off I dont even know why I care. Right now I want you out and never want to see you again. Just fall into a pit and die Jess.

Why don't they give us the answers.

Ever wonder why we struggle with things in our daily life? I know I have, I struggle with things like how much is enough or too much and wether or not we have a responsibility to help others when a good portion of the time we make things worse? In my case I don't know if I should offer help or wait for the recipient to ask, also I don't know if I really have anything to offer them in terms of help. I can't comfort in ways I used to and I'm not sure how else to be there yet, I'm still getting use to this whole thing. I wish people would tell me how I could help or comfort or something useful. Even if it's just listening. I'll be gone for a while and I want to make the best of what time I have left. If anyone is listening please let me know.

Sincerly, Concerned

Why some of us shouldn't Breed- again

I'm an ass hole. I wrong too many people then I seek forgiveness too quickly. I don't deserve forgiveness, I don't deserve the love of another right now. I have done nothing but take and lie and hurt. I don't know how many times a person can say I'm sorry before it doesn't count but I think I'm there. I'll say it again cause I know that he still cares even though I don't deserve it. Jessica, I'm sorry. I hope that in time you can forgive all of my betrayals. I want you to know that today really helped me in terms of moving on. I talked to a lot of people, inclding Racquel. And I wasn't trying to shadow you or anything I just want to make things okay with us. I still want to kiss you goodbye, but I undersand if you don't even talk to me tomorrow. I really a sorry Jess.

Died and lived to tell about it.

Well folks the unthinkable has happened, Jess dumped me. For a few reasons I think, First I loved her and I was ready to love only her. She wasnt ready for me. Second I think my leaving and my unavailability pushed her away. Third and I know this is harsh to say but I think she likes another guy. Fourth this is all part of her ritual push a guy whos close to me away. I cant stand the fact that I lost her again. I havent eaten since yesterday at lunch at UAA. I dont even feel hungry. I feel like she took a 12 gauge to my chest and stomach. I know its hard for her but im going to take this time and be alittle self centered, after all I did get dumped. everybody Ive heard from has said the same thing, we were perfect. nothing was wrong, and that is what i dont get. Sure we had issues between us all people do, but overall there wasnt much. The only thing I can think of and keep coming back to is our inability to have sex. I gave her all of me and didnt get all of her in return. I didnt care I was willing to wait and work it out but she felt she needed more men. Or actually she wanted to be "single" what the hell is that? From my perspective I had it all, I wanted for nothing why would I want less than that. Now I have nothing, not even her friendship because I cant bring myself to tell her that all I want is for this whole thing not to have happened. I just want her to hold me again and tell me we're okay. I know thats not going to happen and I wish it wasnt like this but I cant force her feelings. I personaly think that she is going to be going out with Erik by the end of the week, or if she is human when I leave. A lot of people think that its because Jerry is coming back but I dont know. Right now I cant thin about it I have to go.